I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
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