I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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