there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
