I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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