I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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