And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It was a blind-side dick pic.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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