puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize