4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
