but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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