SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
