you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
