you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
