Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Randomize
