You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
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