I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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