This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
