Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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