It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i think i have herpe
just one?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
