in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
