If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
