i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
