i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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