you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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