Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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