Hey man sorry I got all grabby
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
