Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize