Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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