i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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