So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize