peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
