i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
