I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
