he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
