You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
