I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
