I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize