i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
