There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
