i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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