My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
