I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
