and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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