Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
