you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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