why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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