If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
