On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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