Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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