Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
