Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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