the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
