Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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