I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
