Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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