I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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