I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize