I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
