Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Randomize
