I murdered the dance floor call the cops
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
