Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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