I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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