Who wears a wallet chain?!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You were trust falling into bushes
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
