Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
