So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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