By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
