I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
