He felt like a one man threesome
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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